M.G. (Mental Gymnastics) Degree
Department of Intellectual Contortion
The “Stretch” Core Requirements
To earn an M.G., students must master the art of bending their minds into shapes that physics and logic simply don’t allow.
- Specialty in Selective Gravity: Learning how to apply heavy “logic” to other people’s beliefs while remaining weightless and unburdened by evidence for your own.
- The Art of the “Actually”: A seminar on starting every sentence with “Actually, what that ancient text meant was…” to avoid the literal (and often problematic) meaning of the words.
- Hermeneutics of the Blindfold: Mastering the technique of reading a 500-page document while successfully ignoring the 400 pages that contradict your current argument.
Department of Moral Flexibility: Major Programs
The Double-Standard Sprint: This major trains students to run two completely different sets of rules at the same time. You’ll learn how to demand absolute “moral objective truths” from others while excusing “context-based exceptions” for your own team’s history.
The Gap-Jumping Long Jump (The God-of-the-Gaps Track): A high-energy program focused on finding tiny holes in scientific understanding and leaping into them with both feet. If a scientist says “We don’t know yet,” the student is trained to stick an Invisifact (an unfalsifiable claim) in the gap before the lab results come back.
Metaphorical Pole Vaulting: When a script or dogma becomes too scientifically or ethically embarrassing to defend literally, this program teaches students to “vault” it into the realm of metaphor. Suddenly, “global floods” become “local puddles” and “six days” become “six billion years” with just one agile leap.
The M.G. Graduation Motto
“If the facts don’t fit the theory, change the facts. If you can’t change the facts, change the definition of ‘fit’.”