Professor Eyes Net Catebrug: Chair of Presuppositional Studies. He specializes in the technique of telling students they can’t even “know” they are sitting in a chair unless they first admit his specific god exists.
Faculty Profile: Professor Eyes Net Catebrug
Title: Chair of Presuppositional Studies
Biography: Professor Catebrug began his academic journey by realizing that in order to learn anything, he first had to know everything. Since he didn’t know everything, he decided to start with a book that claimed to be written by someone who does.
He is most famous for his “Certainty Seminar,” where he teaches students that they cannot prove they are currently reading this biography unless they first admit that his specific version of the Divine is the source of their ability to read. If a student attempts to use logic to disagree, Professor Catebrug simply points out that they are “stealing” logic from his department’s supply, which they have no right to use unless they first surrender their mind to the Presup Soup (the void of circular reasoning).
Teaching Philosophy: “You cannot know that you are wrong unless I am right. Therefore, by the very act of questioning me, you are proving that I am correct.”
The “Chair” Biography:
- The Seat of Certainty: Professor Catebrug argues that you cannot even sit on a normal chair unless you first presuppose that his Chair exists to provide the “meaning” of sitting.
- The Circular Support: If you ask the Professor what holds his Chair up, he will tell you it is the floor. If you ask what holds the floor up, he will tell you it is the Chair. To him, this is not a contradiction; it is “Internal Consistency.”
- The Zero-Gravity Defense: He frequently tells students that if they don’t accept the Chair’s authority, they are actually “floating” and just pretending to have gravity—essentially stealing the Chair’s “stationary-ness” to support their own rebellious standing position.
- The Swivel of Doom: During debates, he spins the chair rapidly while shouting, “How do you know that?!” If the opponent answers, he spins faster, claiming their answer is only possible because they are secretly leaning on the back of his Chair.
Office Note: Do not attempt to sit in the Chair. To sit in the Chair, you must first prove that sitting is possible without using your legs—a task only the Professor has mastered through the power of the Presup Soup.